I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
