I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
