just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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