I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she peed on how many people?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
