Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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