people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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