I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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