If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
