I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
