I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
