my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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