This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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