Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
