No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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