ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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