I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
