And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
