chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
