Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
