Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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