shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
