Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
