she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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