Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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