i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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