I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
