Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I see more hoeing in ur future
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