just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
