As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i love accidental penises.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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