put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
