There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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