This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
