sarcasm needs its own font
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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