In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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