I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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