So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
