I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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