Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I understand Curling. That high.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
