I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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