What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
