I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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