Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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