im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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