You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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