just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
