I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
