I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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