she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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