perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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