They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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