Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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