In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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