I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I know her cup size but not her name....
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