Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
