Plan B is the new Plan A
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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