Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
