There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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