Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
