I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I forget how to act sober
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
