You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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